ahh... yes... what DO you do?

I had really bad abdominal pain on wednesday when I was working at la clinica. I thought it was just another episode of "GERD" or "my stomach acting up again" but that night I couldn't sleep at all b/c I kept feeling an urge to go to the bathroom. and when I did, it burned like a mofo. I immediately thought "oh crap, UTI? pyelonephritis? waaa..." I left home at 7am b/c I had work at kp napa at 9am. luckily, I got their early and was able to rest for a bit. then as the day went on, I noticed that everytime I urinated, more and more blood would appear. and that was when I freaked out and asked the chief pharm for some medical advice. she advised me to go see a doc right away and not take the ciprofloxacin that I had leftover from my thailand trip. then I told her that I didn't have health insurance and kaiser doesn't give me benefits as an intern pharmacist.

my convo w/ james about my health insurance situation popped in my mind. what do I do if something happens? sigh. 

on my lunch break, I tried calling kaiser member services and asked if they offered FFS and they said they can't see anyone out of the network. I finally gave in and asked linda if I could take the rest of the day off b/c I was getting really worried about myself. she was too and she even looked up clinic ole in napa for me to go to. when I got to clinic ole, they said that since I wasn't a napa county resident, I'd have to pay a minimum of $125 to be seen + any additional fees after. I told the receptionist about my financial situation and she gladly looked up all the clinics in alameda county and printed me out a copy. 

I called tri-city health and they said they'd be able to see me at 4:40pm at the teen city clinic. teen? haha YES I am 24 and still a teen according to this clinic. they told me that I've been to the general tri-city health clinic before. I completely forgot about those days as a child... when times were rougher and we had even less money. horrible.

the counselors and NP's at the city clinic were so nice and helpful. since I had such a low income, all of the services were free! they immediately tested my urine and found presence of blood, WBC's, etc. the NP also said that this might have been caused by dehydration and maybe I didn't go to the bathroom as often. well... an intern pharmacist's job is pretty demanding and there are times where u just can't stop working. she advised me to drink plenty of fluids (mainly water) and get some rest. she gave me some bactrim and fluconazole (in case of yeast infxn) and told me to go back if my bladder infxn didn't resolve.

I'm not a big fan of drinking water, but I'm forcing myself to get better. this incident has taught me to take better care of myself. everyone keeps telling me to, but I always shrug it off. I really need to work on this lack of self respect issue I have... it's hurting myself and hurting others. for some reason I don't feel bad when I say these random things out of the blue, but to others-they worry about the root and engineering behind my thoughts.

thank goodness R offered to work for me tomorrow at kp vallejo! great guy. he really does take care of me and sometimes I get so confused b/c of my lack of experience with that. but that is something that I learned that girls should EXPECT and not forget about (lol kiang who treats girls like princesses). it's great to know that there are so many county/city clinics out there. I'm truly grateful! 

holey moly this pain is almost unbearable :( I don't think I'll get sleep tonight either. I'm going to get some phenazopyridine tomorrow if it doesn't die down.

I've still been having jetlag and during these nights, I've either been chatting w/ my sis next to me in our bedroom or trying to review pharm lectures. I realize that my sis and I never really reconnected about her incident 6 years ago. we've been having a lot of heart to heart talks. we both decided that we need to make more of an effort to hang out or talk to each other more. 

she told me about what happened that year during the court cases. about how my parents stood next to each other and held each other's hands while crying. yulz said it was something she'd never seen before. I can't even imagine it. she talked about how my dad cried and told the judges that they still wanted custody of my sis and to not take her away. that image made me tear up. it's sad that it took something as drastic as my sis's incident to make them realize what's important. 

it's chinese new year and instead of staying home, I was out eating chipotle for dinner. I stayed at R's place over the weekend and we basically chilled and suffered from our jet lag. went to D&B's w/ a bunch of pharm peeps too :) omg kiang's boxer story... too funny but also kinda scary too.

I still don't know how I feel about telling my family about R. I mean my sis knows, but no one else. I've been trying to tolerate my parents but it's just so hard. there is literally nothing good or at least tolerable that comes out of either of their mouths. I guess this explains my negativity towards everything, everyone, and myself. I've never really been close to my parents or have ever wanted to be close to them... I know that sounds horrible but ppl who know my parents understand what I'm saying. but to be honest, R is the only guy I've dated that I've seen a future with. future as in a family and etc. I know right? did I just type/say that? yea my besties were all ecstatic. 

R always hates it when I'm in my self-destructive mode. he always urges me to think better of myself and gets so confused of the way I think. I'm glad he's so patient. I received many new year's texts that went along the lines of, "stop hating yourself, stop bringing yourself down, etc." I'm so grateful for my friends that still support me after everything... sigh. I REALLY need to stop this craziness! I keep telling myself/typing/ranting this, but I'm still not fully there... I really need to up my confidence if I want to survive amcare II and acute II next...

I'm gonna need to down some redbull in a couple hours to stay awake for la clinica... wasai!!

back from thailand! the trip was awesome and very relaxing... I wish I didn't have to go back to reality.

I got sick during the flight from beijing to SFO and eventually threw up to feel better. my dad and yuli picked me up from the airport and my dad's first response to me saying I didn't know if I should eat b/c I just puked was, "ok let's go to mcD's." classic.

now we're selecting our prefs for our last year of pharmacy clinical rotations. sharp san diego has a lot of rotations available... but I'm unsure of how I feel about going back to sd. I've spent so much emotional energy in trying to forget some things and I'm a little afraid of what could happen to my mental stability if I'm back in that area. I hate all of this "thinking ahead" and "planning." such a downer to life.

my app for health insurance was denied and I have to fix that... so many problems. lol I "look" healthy but I'm really not! :(

parents still hellish as ever. my sis seems to be taking it alright and I'm surprised. despite her nursing entrance exam being this saturday, they don't seem to care how they affect anyone around them. typical. 

anyways, enough of depressing thoughts, thailand was awesome and I'm already missing everything about it! bangkok reminded me a lot of taipei! I'm actually really hungry and not at all sleepy right now argh. it's definitely a lot colder here than thailand! I really needed this vacation and needed this time to be away from everything. I didn't bring my laptop, but I was of course checking emails periodically. sigh so I couldn't really avoid everything. chiang mai was also very fun and a little bit cooler than the bustling bangkok southern city.

this trip was basically filled w/ a lot of happiness :) I like that feeling.

Taken with picplz.

ah the end of 2011 is upon us! I think I have learned a lot about myself this year. it's been a very rough year and a half and I know I still have a lot to improve on! everyone knows that I think very lowly of myself, but this year I literally hit the bottom. there's nowhere to go but up, but it takes time. I am so grateful for my friends who've backed me up no matter what. I'll write my ny's resolutions now b/c I will be away in thailand till 1/18/12! 

for 2012:

1. stop overreacting & don't take things personally... calm down
2. change the way I think about a lot of things
3. don't postpone happiness
4. be more optimistic & focus on the positive
5. get more fit, be more active, eat healthier, take better care of my body
6. KIT better w/ friends
7. I decided on doing residency before applying to pharm skoo, so DO IT! apps will be due around the end of 2012!

I've recently been able to hang out w/ the besties! even though I despise living at home w/ all the drama, I'm glad when all my chingus come back home. when I was talking w/ andrew, he said he noticed that my comment about the next year's prospects always boils down to: "it's gonna be worse next year..." and so does that mean that my life gets worse and worse every year? that was very interesting... hm I still ponder over that.

lol R's x'mas present to me... hahahaha. first he presented me w/ a rectangular item and by the feel and look of it, I knew it was a book. it def was and it was david letterman's top 10 list from 2001 (?). he remembered that there was one time we saw it on tv and I said I had no clue what it was. R got up again and brought me another rectangular item that was a lot heavier. I opened it and it was a book of discussions on chemical structural methods from 1979. it contained the discussions (which looked a lot like theses) from about 9 scientists. I still thought it was a thoughtful gift, given that I'm a biochem/chem nerd... 

but there was a sticky note inside the book cover to look in the bathroom. I found another book, a lonely planet travel guide to bangkok. now this would be very useful! however, this wasn't the end of it b/c there was another rectangular item in the other bathroom. 'lo and behold, it was a kindle! lol the book theme was very nice... almost tricked me! thinking back... R really likes surprises and surprising ppl. I realized that I'm not used to surprises unless they're bad... but things are changing :)

imagine yourself in lou's position? what?? he's a d-bag... I always break down when watching this. every word spoken hits my heart hard.

I love fresh prince and chandler bing! they're mos def humourous and hilarious! is it b/c I feel like I am somewhat similar w/ them? ppl have always characterized me as being hilarious... hahaha. it didn't hit me until there was an episode in friends when they all realized that chandler used humour as a defense mechanism. fresh prince & chandler both had a painful life. it comes naturally.

just like towards the end of this video, will smith gives off a strong attitude and talks about how he doesn't need his dad, how he's gonna get through w/o him, and how he's gonna be better than him. when you're let down, you think you'll leave stronger and harder. but 'lo and behold, will smith's last words were, "how come he don't want me man?" and he breaks down. he was so strong and then in 30 seconds he loses his cool. that reminds me so much of myself. 

when you're let down constantly from different ppl for many many years, it mos def leaves a sense of paranoia in you. but once good things start happening in your life, that paranoia dwindles. I can feel it disappearing, but slowly. I feel frustrated b/c I wish I could just think normally like everyone else. think positively and ideally and actually stick to it. but it just takes time to rewire these circuits in my mind. it worked for will smith and chandler bing, it can work for me too right? I just hope it doesn't take too long!

whooooopaaaaa!

I need to make a to-do list!

1. desperately out of $, need to work more and get more money... FAST! im so srs :(
2. make sure registration issues get resolved
3. final eval for la clinica
4. ASHP reimbursement please? *cross fingers*
5. doc appts
6. go to chiropractor as much as I can by end of year!
7. hang & catch up w/ the besties! mission peak hike yeah yeah?
8. holiday shopping w/ the little monies I have :/
9. make final prep for thailand. hmm... what to pack?
10. do more cleaning/organizing
11. think of more things I need to get done... stay on top of it yoomz! >:

I've also decided to focus on the good from now on. I'm tired of ranting about my family issues in blogs and journals. I've been doing it for so long... I used to even keep a log of all the fights, beatings, the things that were destroyed, and times where I thought I almost died or lost someone. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching since finishig up pharmacy school didactics. there was seriously NO TIME for me to calm down, think, or heal after the emotional/mental breakdown after P1 year. I always tell pre-pharm kids that pharm skoo will change your life... you will find out what you really want even though the process may be painstakingly brutal. 

so yes, back to focusing on positive things. I do have a lot of good things going on in my life, but I just never write about them! I made pumpkin cheesecake walnut muffins for one of the pharm's last day at la clinica on friday. I also added some finely chopped candied ginger mmm. I made a lot and also packed a separate tupperware for R since I'd be seeing him later. I hadn't seen him for a while. we've both been busy w/ rotations during wkdays, work on wknds, and I was gone for a bit to NOLA for ashp. 

idk why but after we finally met up, we ended up talking more about the whole "being close to family" thing. I ask, "ok so does this apply to us? I know this is something you want, but for US?" he replies, "yes, but it doesn't seem like you want it." this goes back to my issue of being idealistic but also becoming pessimistic very quickly. LOL I am a mess. I told him that no one has ever said these words to me, wanting to be close to family. something about asking the dad for marriage. but why bother until you get engaged? this is all new to me, all very foreign. when I talked to miranda about when he first brought it up, she was also in shock "lol does he know about your family?" hahaha. I know R gets frustrated w/ me a lot b/c of my pessimism and I'm glad he puts up w/ that. but I know I need to change that :/

I wasn't that hungry since I had so much food in my tummy from la clinica, so we ate at the melt in downtown SF. it wasn't until around 9pm that I asked him, "oh I forgot are we watching a movie?" and he said yes and that it was in 10 min. my goodness I told him he should have told me to get my ass moving on the food but the whole time he was telling me to slow down, take my time, don't choke on my food, have more... why does he care for me so much? it boggles me and sometimes even angers me. I shouldn't be though. I'm so weird. I started fast-walking towards the metreon w/ my tomato basil soup and he kept urging me to slow down. we are completely different ppl. I feel like I'm always in a panic and that I freak out when things don't go right. whereas he doesn't let things get to him. another personal lesson: simplify yo' life!

we watched arthur christmas! it was a really good movie! funny, cute, but also made me cry at a few emotional scenes. afterwards we got some b&j's boston cream pie ice cream and went back to his house and started watching the american president. lol the ham scene! this morning we went to skyline cafe (which reminds me a lot of D&A cafe) and also ate more homemade zhongzhi back at the house. played some paper mario before he had to get to work.